Fact Free Cigar Advice

Dear Dr. Dave,

I really enjoy Lars Teten cigars, but they're extremely expensive. Are there any cheaper cigars that offer the same smoking experience?

Joey Pouser

Dear Pouser,

When experienced cigar smokers discuss the origin of their favorite smokes the location they mention most often is, of course, Utica, New York. The fragrance of a Lars Teten cigar has been compared to the scent of a tire fire in the basement of a whorehouse. While most well known cigar makers have only been rolling smokes for a century or two, Lars has nearly a decade of experience creating his incomparable cigars. No other cigar has the distinct combination of sloppy rolling, smelly perfumes, outrageous prices and pure hyperbole that makes smoking a Lars a unique experience.

The Hittman Chronicle has developed a secret recipe that will let you make a whole box of Faux Lars for less than you'd pay for one of his sticks. You'll find everything you need at the drugstore. Start with a box of El Productos. (50/$12). Then find some perfume that smells like your grandmother in August. If it costs more than $5/quart keep shopping. Finally, pick up a small package of urinal cakes.

Dip the cigars in the cologne once a day for three weeks. That will get you most, but not all of that famous Lars flavor. The real secret (I shouldn't be giving this valuable information away for free) is as follows:

Crack open the credo in your humidor. Remove and discard all the green stuff in it. Crush a urinal cake and mash it in to the credo. Now fill the humidor with your Lars Productos. Let them age for at least two weeks before smoking one. NOW you have the authentic flavor of a Lars, at a fraction of the price!

Dear Dr. Dave,

I've noticed that cheap cigars get more bitter and nasty toward the end of the smoke, while good cigars seem to improve as you smoke them. Why?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Taste buds react to unpleasant flavors by retracting and pulling tiny protective taste bud foreskins over themselves, covering all but the tip of the bud. This part of the taste bud is only sensitive to lousy tastes (ammonia, poison, vegetables, lite beer). The longer you smoke the more they retract and the worse the cigar tastes.

When you smoke a fine cigar they react the opposite way, stretching out their full length to expose themselves to the maximum amount of tasty smoke. This triggers responses along the full length of the taste bud, letting you experience a rich blend of flavors. The longer you smoke the more they stretch, which is why the cigar tastes better and better as you smoke it.

The information on this page is certified to be 100% fact free. If you feel guilty about using this valuable information without compensating me you'll feel better after sending a cigar or two to Dr. Dave, PO Box 607, Round Lake, NY, 12151. If you don't immediately feel better you didn't send enough and need to do it again.

This article was featured in issue #27 of the United Pro-Choice Smoker's Rights Newsletter.