On September 29 the National Post ran a story with the headline "Non-smoking Men have Sex More Often - and Enjoy it More Too." You'll appreciate our article more if you read theirs first. Be careful that you don't have liquids in your mouth when you get the fourth paragraph, or you may need a new keyboard.

Finished? OK, let's read that paragraph again:

"The researchers studied 290 men between the ages of 24 and 36, and found that the non-smokers had sex nearly 12 times a week on average, compared with six times a week for the smokers. The non-smokers also rated their enjoyment at nearly nine on a scale of one to 10, compared with five for the smokers."

This proves scientifically that when smokers exaggerate they only double their numbers, but when non-smokers lie they quadruple them.

There is no mention of nannies in this study. If any of the non-smokers were nannies, they would have had to goose their numbers by an order of magnitude or two. This conclusion is based on the observation that no one would be that cranky if they were getting laid on a regular basis.

Smokers also have a clearer understanding of the concept of "average." Having experienced gourmet sex, they correctly rate their average experience at 5. Non-smokers, receiving nothing but mundane gratification, inaccurately rate every encounter as "better than average."

There is another possible explanation for the seemingly ridiculous numbers. We're not given the specific wording of the survey questions, so we can guess the participants were asked "How often do you have sex?" not "How often do you have sex with a partner?" If that is the case, and the numbers are accurate, it would indicate that non-smokers are bigger jerk-offs than smokers. Or it could be that smokers, when finished masturbating, have a cigarette instead of masturbating again.

The next study will research one of the unpublished results of this one. It seems that non-smoking men have a penis length of fourteen inches, while smokers come in at a measly twelve.

September, 1999